Work

I've decided to stay on at TECMAN for a year. So far, I'm ok.
Usually, I'll be counting money, doing stock check and run errands.

I'm now on a six- hour work schedule. I'm free to go to the Esplandade library, the Citylink or the Suntec City. I'm planning to watch PLAY PLAY from The Theatre Practice.

But, I'm afraid that I can't be free enough to watch theatre shows once I'm put on the 8- hour schedule.

Refreshed after Retreat

I'm feeling marvelously free. It's a feeling I've never experienced before.

Pastor James led us to a BBQ pit in front of the dorm. Some of us have even folded our lists of sins into beautiful origami shapes. We followed him like mice behind a Pied Piper.

When my turn came, I was rather hesitant as I was scared of fire. In the end I plucked up the courage. The paper shrivered in the fire as if it was melting in the fire. It was then reduced to ashes of white and dirty grey.

I was the only one who didn't drop on the floor. The rest had dropped. Pauline lied on the floor the longest. I only hope that the Holy Spirit would give her a much- needed rest and breakthrough of her lie that was littered with regrets, violence and abuse...

Reflections

I've put myself under greater scrutiny.

I do question myself if I have given in and away too much.

Too much until I've lost money to some fella from hell and have everybody blaming me in the end.

Why am I so open to manipulation?

That same fella from hell claims that You're slow, "Can't be able to become an actress", "Would never be able to be accepted by other theatre groups","Stupid", "Good- for- Nothing", "Nobody likes you".

Is that what you think?

You are just trying to control me. Strike me when I'm too tired, too drained.

If I were ever to see you, I wish to tear you into pieces.

And you use my sister to go against me. WELL, IT'S MY FAULT THAT I CAN'T PROTECT HER. You even say that she can't do anything. Not even a simple thing like cutting paper. Mister, she is not stupid. My sister can get bursuries thanks to her own hard work- even though she has low IQ.

Fucking hell ! I'll prove that I can do it. I can endure even the sarcastic Dick Lee. Even Dick Lee isn't be despicable. He gives cutting remarks. But, he'll never cheat people out of their time and money. YOU!? You did these.

I just can't believe that I can be so stupid that I fall into your trap.

Now I'll get over it and get on with my life. I've found a job at TECMAN, a Christian bookstore. Most of my colleagues are at my father's age. Yet they take great pains to explain to me my administrative duties- and accept me even though I may be leaving a year later for further studies.

"You did well", Jan told me, smiling. I gave her a straight look cos I'm in a hurry to get the money counted.

For the first time since last November, I hear for myself praises from people working with me.

They propel me to work even more efficiently.

So, mister who says I'm stupid? You're only looking for your scapegoat. I'm not stupid. I've my intelligence. You're just seeking a victim to cut down.

For the first time since last November, I hear for myself praises from people working with me.

Second Day of Work and a Summon

My stomach was groaning this morning.

I could feel my stomach juices flowing like a tsunami.

The road was strangly empty of its pedestrians.

But, I didn't care.

And I cross the road not within the boundaries of the parallel white lines.

When I cross halfway, a a policeman with a white checkered cap signaled to me.

Uh- oh, I thought.

I tried to avoid the policeman.

But, he found me.

I took out my IC and apologized profusely.

I stole a look at his notebook and saw a name before mine.

"Mand, we'll sent you a $20 summon to your house", the policeman said with his professional smile.

I felt extremely awkward.

And I don't like the consequence that I've to part with my $20.

My $20 will just develop wings one day and fly away from to
nothing.